Lost
by fraiser-jackson
Summary: Daniel reflects on the events of "Heroes". Major spoilers...you've been warned.


Title:  Lost

Author:  Amanda

Rating:  I'm gonna say PG-13, for some swearing

Category: Dan/Jan

Season:  Seven

Spoilers:  Major Heroes spoilers here, so turn back if you don't want to be spoiled.  Slight mentions of the Nox and A 100 Days

Warnings:  Umm…character death, for sure and I'll issue a tissue warning, just to be on the safe side.

Archive:  D/J, yes.  All others, please ask.

Disclaimer:  They're not mine…'cuz let's face it, if they were, would this be happening?  

Author's Note:  I blame this on Katie, who keeps insisting that I have to read the spoilers whenever she does.  I started writing this at 1 o'clock in the morning because I was struck with the opening line and it just wouldn't let me rest.  So here you go.  This is the shortest thing I've ever written, and my first ever Stargate fic, so I hope you enjoy it.  It's the first time I've written anything in first person as well, so I hope it turned out well. Thanks to Katie for beta-ing and encouraging.

I've lost her.  

Not in the sense of she's hiding somewhere, waiting for me to find her.  As in, she's gone and she's never coming back.

So as I sit here in my on-base quarters after her memorial, all I can think of is what went wrong.  The events that took the woman I love away from me forever.

We got caught in a fire fight.  She was right along with us.  One of our men was injured—God, I can't even begin to think what his name is.  I had a camera and he asked me to record a message for his wife while Janet did what she could to save him.

Then, out of nowhere, a staff weapon fired and she was hit.  She fell on her side and I was there in a second, the dying man and camera forgotten as I went to her.  I did my best to help her, tried to follow her instructions to try and make her better, but who was I kidding?  I'm no medical doctor.  All those times in her infirmary…you'd think I would have learned something useful.  But no, there was nothing I could do to keep my love alive.

It was obvious she was in pain, but she tried to hide it from me.  I've been hit with a staff blast before; I knew what she was feeling.  Hell, I'd died before.  Where the hell were the damn Nox when you needed them?

I did my best to try to ease the pain I knew she was feeling and when I could do no more, I pulled her into my arms, gripping her hands tightly in mine.  She tried to speak but I quieted her, telling her to save her strength—she'd need it to get back to the gate.  Because she was going to make it back to the gate.

I could feel her grip on my hands slipping and I knew she was losing her battle to stay with me.  I tried to speak, but she cut me off.

"Daniel…" It was obvious that it hurt for her to speak.

"What, baby?"  I could do nothing to stop my tears from falling.

"Love you."  And then it was over.  Her body tensed and she was gone.  Just like that.

I wrapped my arms around her, never wanting to let her go.  My tears wouldn't stop, even though I knew it wasn't exactly the best place in the universe to be crying.  That was how Sam found us, who knows how long after she was gone.

Sam looked at me, with Janet in my arms and I saw her fight to keep her emotions in check.  This was not the place and time for an Air Force major to cry, even if her best friend had just died.  Without saying a word, she helped me carry her to the gate, ordering me to go through as she went back to get Lt. What's-his-name and find Jack.

I walked through the gate, Janet safe in my arms.  As soon as I reached the other side, I collapsed, too drained to move anymore.  Emotionally, physically, you name it.

I'll never forget the look on General Hammond's face when he saw me on the ramp, her body still.  I put her down on the proffered stretcher and, still holding one of her hands in my own, began walking down the ramp.

Hammond watched me pass, understanding my need to be with her and not explain; not yet anyway.

We'd only just begun, and now she was gone.

The nurses let me take my time with her before finally ordering me to leave.  I sat next to her, holding her hand to my cheek.  Why did it have to end like this?

I sat in silence for what seemed like an hour, not trusting my voice enough to speak.  But I knew I would be kicked out soon and I had to say something.

"Janet, I love you, too.  I know we didn't have a lot of time together, and that was my fault, but never forget that I love you."

I tried to choke back my tears but when I found I could no longer contain them, I dropped her hand and left the room, not wanting her to see me cry.  Even though she was….I couldn't bring myself to say the word.

I went to my room and cried.  For what had just happened, for what could have been.  We had only been together a short time, but I knew that I had found what had been missing since Sha're.  I was going to ask her to marry me, even had the ring picked out.  Guess it was a good thing I had waited to buy it though, huh?

~*~*~

So here I sit, on my bed, after the memorial.  It had been a truly beautiful service.  Hammond spoke, along with the rest of my team.  I had been asked to speak, but I just couldn't do it.  I don't know what I could have said.  And I know I wouldn't have been able to contain my tears and there was no way I was breaking down in front of the entire SGC.  So I turned Hammond down and just listened to what the others had to say.

After the service, I came here, to my room, to relative peace and quiet.  I know I have to go back out there…I have to take Cassie home.  I've been staying with her at Janet's house.  It's been good for both of us.  I need her just as much as she needs me right now.  The night she died, I went to tell Cassie what had happened.  I held her while she cried and then she did the same for me.

We ended up in Janet's bed, telling each other our Janet stories…little things like her getting used to having Cassie around.  It was good to be able to talk.  I needed it, and so did Cassie.

~*~*

It's been two days…two days since the memorial.  Four since she's been gone.  I've decided that I'm going to take Cassie in.  Sam offered, but I know Janet would be okay with me taking care of her.  We're going to stay in the house; after all, it's been Cassie's home since she came to Earth.

I want to leave the SGC, but I know I'd regret it if I did.  At least I can remember her when I'm there.  The entire base is on stand down in memory of those we lost that day.  I've requested a transfer off SG-1, and while Hammond didn't like it, he agreed.  Actually, I'm not on any SG team now.  I'm strictly there to translate whatever comes through the gate with the teams.  Right now, I can't handle going through to different planets, knowing that the last time I came through, it was with the woman I love, dead in my arms.  Maybe some day, I'll be able to go back through, but it's too much for me at the moment.

I'm sitting on the couch, alone.  Cassie's out trying to retain a normal life.  There's music playing, but I really don't hear it.  We had been going through some of Janet's things and I found a photo album, the one I'm looking at right now.  Pictures of her and me, Cassie, the rest of SG-1.  I didn't even know some of these pictures existed.

Finishing my browsing of the album, I look at the clock.  It's only 9:30, but it could easily be 2 in the morning.  I've been so tired lately, completely exhausted.  Cassie won't be coming home tonight, so there's no need to wait up for her.

For the last two days, I've been telling myself to sleep in the guest room, that lying in her bed, surrounded by her scent is just making things harder on myself.  In the back of my mind, I know this.  But it doesn't stop me from forgoing my trek to the guest room and entering her bedroom.  

I lay down on her bed, not even bothering to change.  Curling up on my side, I watch the clock tick away the minutes and hours.  It's been almost 100 hours since Janet died.  A little over 4 days.

Jack once told me that it took him a hundred days to accept his new life on Edora.  Not that he was going to forget Earth, but he was able to accept that he might be stuck there.  A hundred days to grieve for lost opportunities.

Can it really only take a hundred days?  It seems like such a short amount of time.  But then again, an instant can change everything.  I knew that all too well.

A hundred days.  Four down, 96 to go.

I bury my head in her pillow, smelling her and remembering the times we shared in this bed.  Turning over, I look at the ceiling.

"I'm lost without you, Janet."


End file.
